I pooped the bed

A couple of things before you start reading this post:
1) it might make you queezy
2) don't judge (you know it's happened to you before)
3) I want you to laugh so hard you (finally) poop yourself

A couple of weeks ago I was sick, like really sick. You know that kind of sick where you can't remember what it's like to feel normal. That was me. And during my ten days of misery I reflected back to all those other times I was sick. Like the great loves of your life, I waxed poetic about the great sicks of my life.

There was the all too recent bout I had last year during Christmas break. I had celebrated the season a little too merrily and came down with strep throat and the flu. Yeah, I was that lucky. Two for one, or for you Payless fans out there, BOGO. It was horrible, so horrible in fact, that the nurse smelled the sick on me and diagnosed before ever administering a test. That's sick folks. Luckily, I was home and my folks (mom) took great care of me. Plus, they have cable and my dog Madeline.

In college I got so sick I almost pulled the punching bag thingy that you always see jiggling in cartoons when someone is screaming, out from the back of my throat. Yep, that's right. I almost ripped it out it hurt so bad. I woke up after a night of Tom Collin's (I had a thing for nasty sweet drinks in college. Looking back, I realize it made me look like a member of the cast of Cocoon.) barely able to swallow (do not go there) and coughing up blood. Not my typical hangover. After a quick visit to the student nurse, I was diagnosed with strep and immediately quarantined myself. There's nothing worse than being sick while in school, living in a shoebox dorm room with no mom to take care of you. And I can't stress to you enough how close I was to pulling that bloody punching bag out from my throat because of the pain. As bad as all that sounds, the reality is, I've been sicker.

During my sophomore year in high school I came down with the flu. It was during the fall and as luck would have it, my mom was also sick with the flu. With no one to care for us, my dad quarantined us to their bedroom. His thought was, if you're going to be sick, be sick together and stay the heck away from the rest of the house. So, together we stayed. Now, I don't remember doing much besides sleeping and occasionally checking to see if my mom was still there. I was wearing those red long johns with the button drap door around back and my mom was in one of her moomoos. My dad wasn't the best at taking care of us, but he did keep us stocked up on liquids and saltines. Time had no meaning as we slept and slept and slept.

As I was coming in and out of consciousness, I remember my mom saying something like, "Uh oh" and then immediately running to the bathroom. I could hear my dad coming upstairs to check on us, just as I heard the shower turn on. I turned back over to hear my dad checking on my mom and then a "Oh, gross! You're sick!" When my mom came back into the bedroom I asked what was going on and she said, "I thought I had to fart and I shit instead." Wha? What the? I started laughing when all of a sudden *pffffft*. Oh no. Oh no. That did not just happen. There's no way that happened right now.

When I got up and started running to the bathroom my mom asked if I was going to get sick, to which I responded, "No, it just happened to me."
"What just happened?"
"I thought I had to fart and..."
In utter disgust my dad quickly interrupted, "You mean, you just shit yourself too? You guys are disgusting. You need to be in a barn."
As I made my way to the bathroom, I started laughing hysterically. Now, it could have been the sickness or the meds but it's not everyday that you can say you and your mom both thought you had to fart and shit yourselves instead.

PS: sorry mom